Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Descending

Jupiter Ascending is the newest film venture from The Wachowskis. You know the duo that has brought us classics such as The Matrix, and, its sequels, and Cloud Atlas, and Speed Racer. Uh, ok let’s just do this. Jupiter Ascending stars Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, and Douglas Booth. Not only directed by the Wachowskis, but it is also written and produced by the two. It is described as a space opera, a cross between Star Wars (not at all) and The Matrix.

Jupiter Ascending tells the story of Jupiter Jones (Kunis) a maid who hates her repetitive life. Her family immigrated to America after her father died while her mother was still pregnant with her. She is born in the middle of the Atlantic and told she has great purpose, but fails to see this purpose. Little does she know she is the reincarnation of the Matriarch of the House of Abrasax, who are the powerful alien dynasty of all the universe. As the Heir to Abrasax dynasty’s fight over who will control Earth, a warrior named Caine Wise is sent to protect Jupiter and bring her to claim her rightful place as the leader of Earth.

This film is garbage. But before I tear into it, I am going to speak on the positives of the film. Jupiter Ascending was allegedly pushed back from the summer of 2014, to now February of 2015. We all know January/February are the bottom of the barrel for films. The rumor was this film was pushed to work on the visuals. While I don’t believe that to be the only reason, it also makes a little sense. The cinematography is beautiful. I saw this film in IMAX 3D which I rarely do, but if you are going to waste your money on this film, do so in IMAX. It is breathtaking and stunning. The CGI is seamless, the creatures are amazing.

Another plus was Channing Tatum and Sean Bean. Tatum continues to prove that he is a force to be reckoned with in Hollywood. He plays a character that could’ve been cheesy and over the top but does it with such grit and power. It makes me further more believe he is the right choice for Gambit. Sean Bean is as good as always. These two have great chemistry together. And had the film followed their story a little more it might not have been such a bad movie.

But that is where the positives end. The film is jumbled in direction it is terrible. It jumps all over the place, and the story runs as if you have read hundreds of back story’s all ready and just know this world. The world seems fun, but you never really shown what it is all about. Plus the film pretty much shows you the exact same act 3 times in a row. Literally, the same situation, replayed 3 times. Eddie Redmayne is just terrible. Bloody freaking awful. He uses this terrible accent and has no real character. It makes me hope he doesn’t win the Oscar. Mila Kunis is not bad, she’s kind of just there. I want to buy her as an action heroine, or even the damsel in distress, but she doesn’t fit the part. And I don’t know if that is the script, or the character, or her. I’d love to see her as the bad A chick, but I just couldn’t buy it. Maybe she needs to stick to Rom-Com.

All in all Jupiter Ascending is pretty much bad. It’s not the worse film I’ve seen, but it’s not good. It is kind of just another movie. You might see is on FXx a lot in the future, I don’t even think this will become one of those “So Bad it is good” type of films. I’m giving it a Jeebus Score of 2.3. Don’t waste your money folks. So what say you Jackass Nation? Have you seen Jupiter Ascending? Do you plan to? What is your favorite Channing Tatum film? Are you excited to see him play Gambit? Sound off in the comments below!

The Jeebus score is out of a possible 6 points. Films are giving a max of 1 point each for Acting, Entertainment, and Casting, and a max of .5 for Dialog, Cinematography, and Direction. There is also a possible bonus up to .5. Any film between 2.5 and 4 is considered a good film. 4-5 is a great film. Anything over 5 is an incredibly amazing film. To get a perfect score of 6 a film will pretty much have to be The Godfather.